apology

I apologize to anyone viewing this site. I never update anymore and have a bad case of the comment-spam. All that spam is bogging everything down making things very slow and horrible to deal with. When I visit the beach, I build a sandcastle and at the end of the day I bury my GI Joes inside and trample over it. That's what I'm going to do with this site.

Eyeball

In an attempt to start updating the site again here is a photo of the inside of my eyeball.

Dan Kim Vietnam

The Vietnamese have honored me well with a town south of Ha Noi Named "Dan Kim". They've given the same name to a banjo shaped instrument that while seemingly weak with it's mere duophonic string-set, in the hands of a master, reverberates a sound that could acoustically trounce the brute forcefulness of Yo-Yo Ma and his Stradivarious. Hear it now!

The Freshmaker

Go to the video section and watch my new short made for this years Gore-a-rama-a-go-go. I ate too much candy, vomited into my handycam, wrapped it in bacon and mailed it to Detroit. This is what came spewing back.

Married Head Land

My bro tied the knot recently. The wedding was a wonderous spectacle of magical extravagance. Here is David & Julia in the technicolor dream marriage.

Run Hit Wonder

After fighting poison-induced fever and severe muscle spasms in my back along with zero training for the past year, I think I did alright.

The Nike Run Hit Wonder made me feel like a total run hit blunder! I was doing pretty well from the start. Then my stupid out-of-shape body struck me down. My smoker's lungs collapsed. My drinker's liver relapsed. I was convinced that someone had cast a slow-motion spell on me. I watched as swarms of people kept running ahead of me. I just kept telling myself that they're professional runners and there's no way I'd be able to compete without weeks of training. Then I noticed that the runners passing me were progressively getting either older, wobblier, fatter or handicapped.

I ended up finishing the 10K in approx. 1 hour. Everyone who finished received a medal to celebrate.

UPN MAN

UPN MAN is finally underway...possibly.
The UPN 49 promotions department is "talking" about bringing in a new mascot. Here's my first character mockup.

River Kicks

Beware of your next visit to the river for you may encounter the phantom flying side-kick of death!

Watch video of some lowly beach dregs crumbling in fear as the phantom strikes in a whirlwind of side-kicking fury!

wowrobot

The seed of global robotic domination has finally sprouted into the KHR-1.

Here's a sneak peak into a grim future where only the freshest of princes are brave enough to stand up for the survival of our fleshy, soft-shelled species.
For a mere $1,400, this Korean-made, bipedal robot can be yours to do your bidding. Although, this Transformer-sized robot poses no real physical threat to us human beings, based on THIS VIDEO it may have the capability of annihilating something as small as your neighbor's hamster using a series of programmable Kung Fu maneuvers.

Some newsgroups were talking smack about the KHR-1, saying stuff like, "Huh?, that robot was developed by Koreans? Oh yeah, My Japanese robot is far superior! It can play soccer and it has like 5 more degrees of freedom and in combination with my Charizard fire Poekemon it can score a whole 10 more hit points and I have a Kanji sticker that says 'Bukakke!' because that's totally Japanese and rad like Manga!". I say watch this video of THE JAPANESE VERSION and judge for yourself. The Japanese model may, at least, be superior in one area and that's in price at a whopping $4,500!....Fuck that shit!

Dan Kim Kui

Crispy seaweed (Dan Kim Kui)<---this is real!...no shit!
From: Flavors of Korea: Delicious Vegetarian Cuisine
Servings: 4 to 6 servings
Category: Side Dish
Ethnic Style: Korean

Ingredients:
10 sheets nori ("Nori" is the Japanese name for this particular style of seaweed. Koreans call it "Kim")
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1/4 cup sugar

Instructions:
With a soft pastry brush, gently brush the nori sheets with oil. Heat a large skillet or nonstick pan over medium-low heat. Place a sheet of nori in the pan for a few seconds. The nori will become crisp and turn a dark green. With chopsticks or tongs, quickly flip the sheets over, and toast the other side for a few seconds. Remove and place on a large cutting board. While still warm, lightly sprinkle each side of the nori sheet with sugar. Repeat with each sheet. When all the sheets have been sugared and toasted, stack the sheets in one pile. Cut the pile of sheets in half lengthwise. Then cut crosswise to make 6 rectangular pieces of nori. Stack the small sheets in a pile, and place a toothpick in the center to hold them in place.

60 calories and totally barftastic! Tastes way better if you substitute the sugar with salt. or maybe both! who knows...experiment and let the taste sensation that is Dan Kim Kui fill your pallette with the wonderous flavor of seaweed!

dishonored

Voted most likely to smell like vagina for someone who has never been loved by one or had one fart on their balls.

Sung Koo Kim has been charged with breaking into university dorms and robbing thousands of young girls and their supple carnal-knowing flesh of their panties and bras. Maybe you would've gotten away with it if you were a member of my elite fraternity Alpha Kappa Kim! But you're a Kim on the lowest tier of the Kim totem of power. All Kim's are sworn by birth to follow the Kim code of conduct. Doing anything that shames the family name is the most severe of violations.
At first I thought, "maybe he's stealing used panties so he can sell them to lonely Japanese businessmen...so he can keep sponsoring the hungry kids through the Christian Childrens fund right?". Then I saw this...

A fucking photo he took of himself modeling the goods. Is it not bad enough that your country is in outrage over iraqi militants beheading a Kim because your homeland's government refused to back off? You have to embarrass everyone by prancing around in little girl's undergarments? From here on out, I declare a mass Kim scowling eye of shame for the rest of your stupid life.

Ching Hai

Somewhere deep in the anus of Portland's Chinatown a new cult centre for the worshiping of false gods has risen in the guise of a vegetarian buffet. Beware of it's leader! Her lazy eye will hypnotize you into spiritual submission like it has done to me.

The Supreme Master Ching Hai is #1! After one bite of the MSG laden vegetarian egg rolls prepared by her followers, I finally understood the magnificent power that is The Supreme Master Ching Hai! Our souls are doomed and she is here to help. Here are some words of wisdom from God's Immediate Contact, The Supreme Master Ching Hai:

In speaking of the supreme spirit, master instructs us to use original non-sexist terms to avoid the argument about wether master is a she or he.

she + he = hes (as in bless)
her + him = hirm (is in firm)
hers + his = hiers (as in dear)

Example: When master wants, hes makes things happen according to hiers will to suit hirmself. (pure fucking genius)

Here is a song by The Supreme Master Ching Hai that made me fall instantly in love with her. It's Called LOVE ME

More Mercury stuff

Here's absolute evidence to prove my theory that our brains are slowly smashing together into a collective pot of beef brain stew.

The Mercury started a new column written by a "Cornelius Van Shack Armentrout". Upon further investigation, I found out that "Armentrout" was some guy with a funny name that went to school with the writer of the column.
How I personally know of Cornelius is a strange and magical tale in itself. When I was in junior high school, a couple friends and I went to the local nickel arcade where we found a wallet. Not just anyone's wallet. But Cornelius Van Shack Armentrout's wallet! After seeing his ID and laughing at it for a few hours, naturally we decided to hang around a bit longer and play more games with our new found treasure. Ever since, we never forgot the name. Any time there was a wrong doing, whose fault was it? Cornelius Van Shack Armentrout! BOOYAAA!
I think the strangest thing to come out of all this is that just a few years back while taking a Macromedia Director class I got bored to the point of near Seppuku and for shits n' giggles had made -->THIS<-- in his honor. Enjoy!
hint: make sure you click on the big red heart!...also, the answer to the quiz kind of sounds like geranium.

Employee Pick

Every time I'd see my friend Marjorie I'd incessantly poke at her and whine about how she should let me be in the Employee Picks! section of the newspaper. Finally she gave in and this is what came of it.

TOP FIVE WEIGHT LOSS STRATEGIES

1.High Colonic
The average American colon holds approximately 5 lbs. of putrid red-meat,
plus another 5-10 lbs. of foul toxic impacted waste. Pumping hot water up
your butt is a practically guaranteed 15-20 lbs. lost.

2.Mexico
Go to Mexico and drink the water. You'll be shitting so much that you'll lose
a ton of water weight and the parasites will consume all the food from your
stomach that would normally go straight to your ass.

3.Bee Pollen & Yogurt
This method is popular with waif models and ballerinas. It's basically the
dietary equivelant of hemmorhoid cream on your eye-bags.

4.The Caveman Plan
This fusion of Atkins Diet & Macrobiotic Theory consists of a high-protein,
low-carb diet that doesn't exclude nuts, twigs & berries. This plan proves most
effective for carnivorous hippies like myself.

5.Dyna-Flex PowerBall
This gyroscopic resevoir of magical powers will strengthen your popeye-muscle
as well as generate harmony among your chakras. A highly recommended
method of exercise that's truly effective as well as entertaining.